Decisions You Can Live With
by cybertoothtiger
Summary: Another one from the archive. I've combined a few related one-shots into one story, so there are flashbacks galore. Spoilers for S7. Renee and Larry's backstory. (Why isn't Larry a character in the list? Poor Larry.) Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Renee opened the conference room door and the motion flicked on the light. A movement in the corner of the room startled her, and she turned to see Larry pushing himself to sitting on the couch against the wall.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were in here."

He yawned and stretched before running a hand over his face to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"What time is it?" his voice had the thick quality of the poorly-rested.

"Seven." She took in his rumpled appearance. "Geez, Larry. You've got to stop sleeping here all the time. People are going to start thinking Christine kicked you out."

She meant it to be a light-hearted comment, a gentle reminder that he is working too hard, but something in the way his shoulders sag tells her that's not the way he's taking it.

She moved to the couch and sat next to him, her eyebrows knitting in concern. "What's going on? Did Christine kick you out?"

He grimaced, trying to keep it light and failing miserably. "Yeah, I guess she did."

"Oh, Larry. I'm sorry." Renee handed him her untouched cup of coffee, watching as he hid his face behind it.

"She said I was spending too much time at work."

Renee waited. There is something else, something he isn't telling her. She knows him well enough not to push.

"That stake-out last week was the final straw." He glanced at her over the rim of the mug and the penny dropped.

"Why? Because you were with me? Does she think there's something going on?"

He shrugged and nodded.

"Larry, that's ridiculous."

"Of course it is." If she didn't know him so well, she wouldn't have seen the flinch.

She reached out a hand to rest gently on his arm. "I know how much you love her," her words sounded hollow even to her. "Do you want me to call her? Tell her nothing happened?"

"No! God, no. That would just give credence to her ideas. No, it's alright, Renee. I'll handle it." He handed her back the coffee and reached for his jacket, which is folded over the arm of the couch. Standing, he put on the jacket as if he were drawing a curtain over his heart. His manner became businesslike as he rummaged in the pocket of the jacket and took out his tie.

"What have you got for me?" He flipped up his shirt collar and circled his neck, tying the tie perfectly without looking.

Renee took the folder balanced on her knee and stood. She spread the contents of the file over the smooth surface of the conference table. "I think I found a way to Almeida. Several years ago he worked closely with Jack Bauer."

"Bauer?" Larry raised his eyebrows. "Isn't he about to go before the Congressional Committee?"

"That's right. Almedia and Bauer were at CTU at the same time, and judging by the file, they were close."

"How so?"

"They worked on a complicated sting operation against Ramon Salazar that had a very small circle of CTU people involved. Even their immediate superior didn't know all of the details. If anyone understands how Almeda thinks, it would be Bauer."

Renee pushed a photo towards Larry and waited. He picked it up from the table and studied the image.

"This looks like a funeral."

"It is. Jack Bauer's funeral."

Larry looked at Renee for an explanation.

"Bauer faked his own death to escape persecution for his role in the shooting at the Chinese Embassy. Look at Almeda's face in the photo."

Larry looked back at the photo and nodded. "He doesn't look too torn up about it. You think he helped Bauer fake his death. Do you think Bauer returned the favour?"

Renee shook her head. "No. I considered the possibility, but Bauer was captured by the Chinese the morning Almeda died. There wasn't time for him to help."

"Does Bauer know Almeda is still alive?"

She shook her head again. "I don't believe so."

Larry was silent while he skimmed through the contents of the file. After a few minutes he stared at Renee. "You honestly think this guy will help us?"

"If it gets him out of the hearings, yes I do."

Larry rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. "I don't know Renee. He's all over the map and he's extremely violent. Plus, he obviously has a great deal of loyalty to Almeda. I'm not sure appealing to his own self-interest is going to be enough to turn him."

"Larry, one of my instructors at the academy worked with Bauer. He said that whatever else, Agent Bauer always made the choices that would save the greatest number of lives, no matter what the cost to him personally."

He snorted. "No matter what the cost to the Constitution, either. God, the self-righteousness of guys like this drives me nuts. Don't they realize the harm they do? Don't they know how much harder they make it for everyone else to do our jobs?"

"Larry, we're not asking him to resume active duty."

He took a sip of coffee and sighed. "Okay. Then that's the approach to use. Don't offer him any deals. Just convince him that Almeda is alive and appeal to his patriotism.


	2. Chapter 2

_Renee lay on her side in the hospital bed, eyes closed, legs curled almost to her stomach. She felt numb, but not numb enough to mask the pain of her broken ribs and the bruises on her face. She chose not to think about where else she hurt. The medication was making her drowsy and she'd been dozing on and off. She wasn't even sure how long she'd been here._

The door opened and she tensed, but the familiar rustle of scrubs told her it was just an orderly. "Go away."

Ignoring her, the orderly moved to the machines beside her bed.

"Jesus Christ, what did he do to you?"

The voice startled Renee. Disoriented and frightened she opened her eyes and followed the green cloth up the body standing next to her bed up, seeking a face. Relief coursed through her veins when the face turned out to be Larry's. She caught herself just in time and didn't say his name. She wasn't sure who else might be near enough to overhear.

He bent over, pretending to adjust the tubes of her I.V. His face was close to hers, his eyes full of concern and something else. Anger.

"I'm taking you out. Now."

Renee shook her head, still not sure if it was safe to speak.

"You've done enough," he hissed. "We've got what we need to move on Vlad." His voice cracked. "If nothing else, we can book him on assault. Jesus," he repeated.

"Larry, don't." If he'd mentioned Vlad, it must be safe to talk, but she kept her voice low just in case. "It's okay."

He shot her another look. "It is _not_ okay. If I had known, I never would have sent you back in there."

"I know."

"Dammit, Renee, how could I have let this happen?"

"Larry." She moved her hand to his arm. "I know what I'm doing. It's too soon. I've come too far to get out now."

He didn't have anything to say to that, but she could see the muscles of his jaw moving. One of the things she loved about him was that he was willing to let her decide how far she was willing to go for an operation, even if he didn't always agree with her choices. He had her back, not her hand.

"I don't like this, Renee. He's getting more violent. It's not safe."

"We never thought he was a kindergarten teacher."

He didn't dignify that with a response. "No. It's gone too far. You've already done more than we could have asked of anyone. I'm pulling the plug. I'll give the order for his arrest."

"I don't want him getting off," she warned, barely controlling her rage by pushing aside the memories of past few weeks. There would be time for that later.

"He won't. Renee, so help me, if he gets off, I'll kill him myself."

A nice thought, but she knew he wouldn't, really. Vigilante justice was not his style, no matter how much monsters like Vladimir might deserve it. Even if they didn't have enough, Larry would find another way. She needed to believe that. There was always another way.

Fatigue stole over her and she needed him to leave, now. She didn't want him to see her like this. More important, she didn't want to see him move from anger to pity and rip away the tissue-thin shreds of dignity that covered her like bandages.

xxxx

All through her leave he had kept in close contact, dropping by with coffee or soup. Sometimes she'd felt like talking, but more often not. She didn't need his help to lick her wounds. It turned out she was stronger than she'd thought. She just liked being with him.

Once she had returned from the bathroom to find him pacing in her living room, his back to her as he spoke on the phone.

"I don't know. As long as I need to."

Renee stopped and retreated a few steps. She had the feeling she shouldn't be hearing this.

"Don't. Christine, just… don't. I'll be home when I'm home." He snapped the phone shut in a gesture of exasperation.

Renee waited a beat before re-entering the room, this time with more noise.

"Everything okay?"

He sighed. "Yeah. That was – never mind. It doesn't matter."

She moved to him and put her hand gently on his arm. "You should go home."

xxxx

He'd been careful, when she'd returned to work. Careful to treat her like any other agent who had been injured on the job. He knew that the collective scar tissue of that place was a mile thick. Her wounds were nothing special. Even if they were.

Larry somehow managed to convey that he recognized the full extent of what had happened to her without turning her into a victim.

Still, she flinched a little at his concern, especially so long after things had returned to normal, at least on the surface.

"Are you sure you can handle this?"

"I can handle Bauer." Renee tried to take his question for what it was: guilt. She knew he hated leaving her alone with a man who had such a violent history. She appreciated it that he believed her. It wasn't her he doubted. He proved it by not backing down when Jack got in his face. She could see how much he hated men who used physical force and intimidation to get what they wanted. Especially if they might use them around her. All the same, she wished he'd calm down. Jack was supposed to be one of the good guys.

If only they'd both been better at recognizing which were the good guys.


	3. Chapter 3

_"_ _The next time you pull a gun on me, you'd better be prepared to use it."_

 _"_ _I was."_

He'd turned and stalked out, his very back radiating disgust. Renee had watched him go, her hand still smarting from the sting of connecting with his face, her wrist slightly sore from his hand holding hers in check.

"What do you want from me?"

The truth was, she didn't really know. She felt ashamed for using his wife against him. She'd seen how he'd reacted when Almeida had talked about her and she knew it was a sore spot with Jack. Maybe that's why she'd done it. Renee knew that there was at least one thing that he cared about, and she'd tried to wield it like a crowbar. She wanted to believe there were other feelings just underneath that hard-cased exterior, if only she could pry it open.

Renee leaned against the cool smoothness of the hospital wall and brushed her hair away from her forehead. What did she want from him? Did she want him to cry? Would that make her feel better, seeing a grown man cry?

What did she want from him? She wanted to know who he was. Who was this man who could bury her alive, ask her to torture an innocent woman and her child, kill a suspect, use a civilian like so much bait on a hook? She'd read his file. She was trained in how to build a profile of someone from the tracks they left in manila folders. But Jack's file hadn't begun to prepare her for the real thing.

A short, hollow laugh stuck in her throat as she thought back to Larry's concern about her going into the interrogation room with him – had that only been this morning? She'd been so certain that she could handle Bauer.

She looked back down the hallway to the doors leading to the room where Marika's body lay. Tucking the corner of her mouth between her teeth, she tasted blood. Startled, she dug her knuckle against her lips, wiping the blood away. Her mouth wasn't sore.

She didn't even know whose blood was on her face.

 _Oh, God._

What she knew now was that handling Bauer was only half the equation. She could handle Bauer. She'd proved that at the accident scene. What she didn't know is if she could handle herself.


	4. Chapter 4

"Make decisions you can live with."

That's what Jack had said. And she could. She could live with everything she'd done.

He hadn't said what to do about decisions other people made, how to live with those.

Janice had been right: Larry would have hated what she did to Wilson. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that he wasn't there to yell at her.

There were times when she picked up her phone and hit speed dial and it wasn't until she heard the message that his number was no longer in use that she remembered. That was after the FBI had finally removed his voice mail message. She wished she'd thought to record it first. There were times when even the sound of his voice would have been comforting. Something familiar, some way to pretend none of this had happened.

By now they'd probably given the number to someone else, someone else who was sitting at his desk, hanging his coat on Larry's hook.

Jack's voice on the machine was a raw reminder she couldn't face. Not yet.

xxxx

And now it was all for nothing. Larry was dead; Jack had given up on her; Vlad was still free. They hadn't had enough as it turned out. She had to go back in. But she wasn't the same person she'd been then. The first time had been horrible, but she had believed, then, that what she was doing was worth it. That her sacrifice was for the greater good, and that good would ultimately prevail. She didn't believe that any more.

Renee's left hand went instinctively to her right wrist. The shrink had said she hadn't really wanted to kill herself; that it had been a cry for help. The shrink had been wrong. Across for hospital, down for death. Isn't that what the Moonies had taught their followers to do in case of kidnapping for deprogramming? As if. As if there were some magical formula that could turn her back into the person she once was.

She'd done it right, but she had failed anyway. Another failure to add to the stinking pile of her life. But she wouldn't make the same mistake this time. This time, she wasn't coming out.


End file.
